Signs You Might Be Emotionally Overfunctioning

You don't think of yourself as someone with a problem.

You think of yourself as capable. Reliable. The one who notices what needs to happen and just does it. You're proud of those things—and you should be. They've gotten you a lot.

But somewhere underneath the capability, something is starting to give. You're tired in a way that doesn't track with what you're actually doing. You're resenting people you love. You're starting to wonder why everyone around you seems to need so much—or why you're so available to give it.

That's the underside of overfunctioning. And it has a clinical name, a real pattern, and a real way out.

As a therapist in Los Angeles, I work with a lot of overfunctioners—often the most competent people in their families, their friendships, their offices. This piece is for them.

What Emotional Overfunctioning Actually Is

In therapy, we use the term emotional overfunctioning to describe a specific dynamic: taking on more emotional, logistical, or relational responsibility than is actually yours to carry.

It's not the same as being thoughtful or generous. Those are choices made from fullness. Overfunctioning is something else—an automatic pattern that often started as an adaptation and never got updated.

Overfunctioners tend to:

• Carry the emotional weight of other people's lives

• Anticipate needs before they're spoken

• Manage other people's moods, often unconsciously

• Solve problems that weren't theirs to solve

• Avoid letting things "fall apart," even when the falling apart would actually help

• Default to over-responsibility in any system they're in

The trickiest part: it usually doesn't feel like overfunctioning from the inside. It feels like being a good partner, a good friend, a good employee, a good daughter. The role is so familiar it looks like values.

The Signs

A few of the patterns I see most often in my Los Angeles practice. If you're nodding at several, overfunctioning is likely in play.

You're More Invested Than They Are

A useful test: in a given dynamic, who's working harder?

If you're putting more energy into the relationship, the project, or the outcome than the other person—and that's a pattern, not a one-off—you're probably overfunctioning. Healthy systems have rough symmetry over time. Overfunctioning systems don't.

You Can Name Their Needs Better Than Your Own

Overfunctioners often have extraordinarily attuned radar for what the people around them need. They know exactly when their partner is stressed, what their friend will want to talk about, what their mother is upset about even when she says she isn't.

Ask them what they need? Silence. Or a vague "I don't know." Or "I just want everyone else to be okay."

That asymmetry is one of the clearest signals.

You Feel Responsible for Other People's Emotional States

If your partner is in a bad mood, you assume it's something you did. If your friend is sad, you take it on. If your team is anxious, you feel like you need to fix it.

This goes beyond empathy. Empathy lets you feel with someone. Overfunctioning makes you feel responsible for them. That's a different thing—and it's exhausting in a way empathy isn't.

Rest Feels Suspect

Overfunctioners often can't actually rest. Not in the sense of "I'm too busy"—in the sense of "my nervous system doesn't allow it."

If you're constantly scanning for what needs to be done, who might need something, what's about to fall apart, you're never in true rest. You're on call, even when no one is calling.

You Resent People You Love

This one comes up in session a lot. A wave of resentment toward your partner, your parent, your friend, your colleague—someone you genuinely love—and a confusing sense of shame for feeling it.

The resentment isn't a character flaw. It's a signal. Resentment is what shows up when you've been giving more than you actually have to give. It's the system trying to tell you something the polite voice in your head has been overriding.

You Don't Know How to Ask for Help

Or you "know how" in theory—you'd tell a friend to do it without hesitation—but in practice, you can't.

The thought of needing something specific, naming it out loud, and waiting to see if it gets met feels almost intolerable. So you don't ask. You handle. You handle until you can't.

You Feel Loved for What You Do, Not Who You Are

This one tends to surface late in the work, but it's there from the beginning.

Many overfunctioners carry a quiet fear: if I stopped doing all of this, would anyone still be here? It's not paranoia. It's the predictable consequence of a lifetime of being valued for capability.

Whether or not the fear is accurate, it shapes everything. It's what keeps the doing going long past the point where it makes sense.

Where This Pattern Comes From

Overfunctioning rarely shows up out of nowhere. It usually traces back.

Common origins:

• A parent who was unwell, overwhelmed, or unavailable — you learned to read the room and self-manage early

• Being the oldest or "responsible" child — capability got rewarded; needing didn't

• An emotionally unpredictable household — keeping the peace was a survival strategy

• A family system where someone had to hold it together — and that someone became you

• A culture that prized self-sufficiency — you learned that needing was weakness

These origins aren't about blaming anyone. The overfunctioning was a reasonable adaptation to the environment you were in. The work now is updating the adaptation for the environment you're actually in—where you have more capacity, more choice, and more people who could be safe to lean on if you let them.

What Changes When You Stop

A few things happen.

The exhaustion lifts. Not all at once, but reliably. When you're not running everyone else's nervous system in the background, you have your own bandwidth back.

Your relationships clarify. Some dynamics that were sustained by your overfunctioning will shift, sometimes uncomfortably. You'll learn who in your life was in actual relationship with you and who was primarily receiving your output. Painful, clarifying.

You meet yourself again. A lot of overfunctioners have been operating on autopilot for so long they've lost contact with what they actually want, like, need. When the autopilot turns off, the real person underneath has room to come back online.

You become more available, not less. This surprises people. When you're not depleted from over-giving, you can actually be present. Real presence requires capacity. Overfunctioning eats capacity.

A Final Note

If you've been the one who handles it for as long as you can remember, you don't have to keep doing it.

You're not less valuable when you stop overfunctioning. You're more accessible—to yourself, to the people who love you, to the life you're actually trying to live.

Working with a therapist in Los Angeles who understands overfunctioning as an adaptation rather than a personality trait is where this work happens. Not to make you less capable. To return you to yourself.

If you're considering modern therapy in Los Angeles, or virtual therapy across California, Nevada, or Oregon, I'd love to talk.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What's the difference between being caring and overfunctioning? Caring comes from fullness and choice. Overfunctioning is automatic, often anxiety-driven, and tends to deplete the person doing it. Caring leaves room for the other person to have their own experience. Overfunctioning tends to absorb their experience as your responsibility.

Is overfunctioning the same as codependency? There's overlap, but they're not identical. Codependency is a specific relational pattern often tied to addiction systems. Overfunctioning is a broader pattern that shows up in any system—work, family, friendships, romantic relationships—where someone is consistently carrying more than their share of the emotional or logistical load.

How do I stop overfunctioning without seeming like I don't care? The fear that pulling back will read as not caring is itself part of the pattern. In practice, the people in your life will adjust—some easily, some less so. Stopping doesn't mean stopping caring. It means caring without absorbing what isn't yours. That distinction takes time to feel in your body, which is part of why this is therapy work, not willpower work.

Will my relationships survive if I change this pattern? Most will, and many will get healthier. Some dynamics that were structurally dependent on your overfunctioning won't survive—but those weren't sustainable to begin with. What emerges on the other side tends to be relationships built on mutuality rather than asymmetry.

Do you work with overfunctioners and "the strong one" in your practice? Yes. A significant portion of my clients are people who have been the dependable one in every system they're in—and are starting to notice the cost.

Relationship Anxiety: When Love Starts Feeling Like Pressure

You love your partner.

That's not the question. The question is why being loved by them feels, on some days, like something you have to manage.

Why a text takes you twenty minutes to send. Why a stretch of closeness leaves you wanting space you can't explain. Why their patience makes you suspicious. Why their distance sends you into a spiral. Why a good relationship can sit in your chest like a low-grade alarm.

That's relationship anxiety. And if you're recognizing yourself here, you're not broken, you're not "bad at relationships," and you're definitely not alone.

As a therapist in Los Angeles, I work with a lot of clients in this exact place: in a relationship that on paper makes sense, with a person who genuinely cares about them, feeling things that don't match the story. Let's get into why.

What Relationship Anxiety Actually Is

In therapy, we use the term relationship anxiety to describe a pattern, not a diagnosis. It's the persistent, often disproportionate anxiety that shows up specifically in the context of close romantic connection.

It's not a sign the relationship is wrong. It's a sign that closeness itself is activating something.

A few of the ways it tends to show up:

• Doubts about the relationship that intensify the closer things get

• Hyper-focus on small signals from your partner—their tone, their mood, the time it took them to respond

• A persistent need for reassurance that doesn't quite stay reassured

• Difficulty being fully present in moments of intimacy

• A pull to pick at the relationship, often without knowing why

• Anxiety that spikes during good periods, not bad ones

• A quiet, exhausting commentary track running in the background

If most of those sound familiar, what you're describing is well-understood clinically. It has structure. It's workable.

Why Love Can Feel Like Pressure

Here's the part most relationship content misses: relationship anxiety usually isn't about your current relationship. It's about what closeness means to your nervous system.

Romantic intimacy asks for a specific kind of vulnerability—being seen, being needed, being depended on, being chosen. For a lot of people, those things didn't feel safe earlier in life. Either because attention came with conditions, or because closeness came with unpredictability, or because being seen left you exposed in ways you couldn't manage.

So now, as an adult, when someone gets close enough to matter, your system reads it as both what I want and what is dangerous. That contradiction is what relationship anxiety is.

When Attachment Patterns Show Up

A lot of relationship anxiety lines up with what attachment theory calls anxious attachment or anxious-avoidant patterns. (Brief and plain-language definitions, because the labels themselves don't help unless you can feel what they mean.)

Anxious attachment tends to show up as: hyper-sensitivity to your partner's mood, fear of abandonment, difficulty feeling settled even when things are good, a tendency to seek reassurance and then mistrust it. The nervous system learned, early, that closeness was inconsistent—so it stays vigilant.

Avoidant patterns tend to show up as: pulling away when things get close, needing more space than your partner does, difficulty staying in vulnerable moments, a tendency to find reasons the relationship "isn't right" when it's actually getting deeper. The nervous system learned, early, that depending on someone wasn't safe—so it stays self-sufficient.

Many people have both, in different proportions, at different times. None of this is a personality flaw. It's the predictable result of how your particular nervous system learned to do connection.

When the Relationship Itself Is Triggering the System

Here's a useful distinction.

Sometimes relationship anxiety is the system reacting to closeness — meaning, the more present and reliable your partner becomes, the more activated you get. That's a nervous system issue, not a relationship issue. The relief is doing the disturbing.

Other times, the anxiety is the system reading real information — your partner is actually inconsistent, dismissive, controlling, or unavailable, and your nervous system is picking up on it before your mind has language for it.

Telling these two apart is one of the most important pieces of work in this territory. Therapy is often the first place where someone can finally distinguish I'm anxious because I'm scared of being loved from I'm anxious because something here actually isn't right.

The Costs of Untreated Relationship Anxiety

When this pattern goes unaddressed, it tends to produce:

• Exhaustion inside connection — being in the relationship feels like work it shouldn't feel like

• A cycle of testing and reassurance that erodes both people over time

• Difficulty being present with the person you love, because the commentary track is too loud

• A pattern of picking fights, picking flaws, or picking your way out of relationships that were actually working

• Self-fulfilling prophecies — the anxiety creates the disconnection it was afraid of

• A growing belief that you're "the problem" — which is rarely the whole story but feels true

The last one is the one I want to name carefully. Relationship anxiety isn't proof that you're bad at love. It's proof that your nervous system is doing something with closeness that needs attention. That's a very different problem—and a much more workable one.

Why "Communicate Better" Doesn't Fix It

The standard advice for relationship issues is communication—talk more, be vulnerable, name your feelings. There's nothing wrong with that. But for relationship anxiety, it usually isn't enough.

Communication assumes the issue is informational. Relationship anxiety is largely physiological. The activation is in your body, fired off by closeness, before your mind has time to put it into words. You can communicate beautifully about the anxiety and still be stuck in the loop, because the loop isn't living in your conversations. It's living in your nervous system.

This is why couples therapy alone, without individual work, sometimes doesn't move relationship anxiety much. The pattern needs work at the level it's actually happening.

What Actually Helps

A few of the threads.

Distinguishing the Pattern from the Person

This is foundational. Learning to notice when your anxiety is firing—and what triggered it—before you reflexively attribute the feeling to your partner. Sometimes the trigger is them. Often, it's closeness itself. Knowing the difference changes everything.

Nervous System Work

Relationship anxiety lives in the body. A nervous system that reads closeness as threat needs new physiological information, not just better insight. Working with the body—through breath, co-regulation, and specific therapeutic approaches—gives the system a different reference point.

Examining the Original Template

The nervous system learned its current rules in your earliest relationships. Therapy is where those rules get exposed, examined, and—slowly—updated. Not by analyzing your childhood endlessly. By doing relational work in the room that gives your system a new experience of what closeness can be.

Building Tolerance for Receiving

Many people with relationship anxiety have a harder time receiving love than giving it. Receiving is exposing. It puts you in a position your system has historically experienced as risky. Practicing receiving—small doses, repeated over time—reshapes the underlying expectation.

Working with the Inner Commentary

The voice in your head that finds fault, predicts abandonment, runs the worst-case-scenario reel? That's not the truth. It's a protective mechanism that learned to keep you ahead of pain. In therapy, you learn what it's protecting—and start to develop a different relationship with it, so it doesn't run your love life.

A Final Note

If you've been blaming yourself for not being "better at" relationships, please put that down.

You're not bad at love. You're running a pattern. Patterns are workable. Identity is not.

When the underlying anxiety shifts, what often emerges is a version of you who can actually receive the love you're already in. Who can be present without managing. Who can rest inside connection instead of bracing against it.

Working with a therapist in Los Angeles who understands relationship anxiety as a nervous system pattern—not a character flaw—is where this work happens.

If you're considering modern therapy in Los Angeles, or virtual therapy across California, Nevada, or Oregon, I'd love to talk.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is relationship anxiety a sign I'm in the wrong relationship? Not necessarily. Relationship anxiety often shows up specifically when things are getting close, real, or stable—meaning the relationship is doing what it should. That said, sometimes the anxiety is real information about an actual mismatch or unhealthy dynamic. Therapy helps you tell the difference, which is one of the most valuable pieces of the work.

Why does my anxiety spike when things are going well? Because closeness itself is activating. If your nervous system learned, early, that intimacy was unsafe or unstable, the experience of someone actually showing up consistently can feel disorienting—even threatening. The good news: this is well-understood and workable.

Can therapy actually change this pattern, or am I stuck with it? It can genuinely change. Relationship anxiety has clear structure—and treatments that work. Many of my clients describe a fundamental shift in how relationships feel within months of starting this work. Not the absence of anxiety, but a different relationship with it.

Do I need individual therapy, couples therapy, or both? It depends. If the anxiety is primarily living in you and your partner is responding to it, individual work is usually the right starting point. If the dynamic between you both has become reactive, couples therapy alongside individual work is often the most effective combination.

Do you work with clients experiencing relationship anxiety? Yes. This is one of the most common patterns I see in my practice—particularly with young professionals and high achievers whose competence everywhere else makes the anxiety in relationships feel especially confusing.

Does online therapy work?

One of the biggest concerns about online therapy is that therapists don't have an opportunity to observe the patient—something that is usually integral to an assessment and diagnosis. The tone of voice, body language, and overall demeanor provide insight into an individual's well-being.

A major component of effective therapy involves the relationship between the therapist and the patient. As online therapy is impersonal (often, it's completely anonymous), many people have raised concerns about whether digital communication can provide skills, tools, and healing power to individuals staring at a screen.

Despite the concerns, research consistently shows that online treatment can be very effective for many mental health issues. Here are the results of a few studies:

• A 2014 study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders found that online treatment was just as effective as face-to-face treatment for depression.

• A 2018 study published in the Journal of Psychological Disorders found that online cognitive behavioral therapy is, "effective, acceptable, and practical health care." The study found the online cognitive behavioral therapy was equally as effective as face-to-face treatment for major depression, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder.

• A 2014 study published in Behaviour Research and Therapy found that online cognitive behavioral therapy was effective in treating anxiety disorders. Treatment was cost-effective and the positive improvements were sustained at the one-year follow-up.

The Potential Benefits of Online Treatment

Online therapy offers some benefits over traditional face-to-face treatment:

• People in rural areas or those with transportation difficulties may have easier access.

• Many online therapy sites allow users to sign up with "nicknames" which can entice people who are embarrassed about getting services under their real names.

• Most online therapy services cost less than face-to-face treatment.

• Scheduling is more convenient for many people.

• Studies show online therapy requires 7.8 times less of a therapist's time than face-to-face treatment—meaning therapists can often treat more people online than they can in-person.

• Clients don't have to worry about seeing people they know in the waiting room.

• It can be easier for some people to reveal private information when they're sharing it online.

• Individuals with anxiety, especially social anxiety, are more likely to reach out to an online therapist.

The Potential Drawbacks

Online therapy isn't for everyone. Here are some potential risks and drawbacks:    

• Online therapy isn't meant for people with certain problems or conditions (such as suicidal intent or psychosis).

• Without being able to interact face-to-face, therapists miss out on body language and other cues that can help them arrive at an appropriate diagnosis.

• Technological issues can become a barrier. Dropped calls, frozen videos, and trouble accessing chats aren't conducive to treatment.

• Some people who advertise themselves as online therapists might not be licensed mental health treatment providers.

• Sites that aren't reputable may not keep client information safe.

• It can be difficult to form a therapeutic alliance with someone when meetings aren't face-to-face.

• It can be difficult for therapists to intervene in the event of a crisis.

How to Find an Online Therapist

If you are interested in online therapy, there are many options to choose from. Think about what type of services you want most—phone therapy, video chats, live chats, audio messaging, or text messaging.

You may find a local therapist who offers online services, or you might find you prefer a large organization that offers a substantial directory of therapists to choose from.

But do your homework and shop around for the service and price plan that best suits your needs.

Find the full article here.

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If you're looking for a therapist who provides online sessions, I invite you to contact me to schedule your free phone consultation today! Contact Me Here

COVID 19 & Teletherapy

Seeing a therapist used to imply being in the same room with them, but not any longer. Teleconferencing has made it possible to see a mental health professional from a distance.

With recent requirements for social distancing, many therapists and clients have had to either pause their work or make other arrangements, including meeting by video conference. 

I've been providing teletherapy services for a few years now. Here are some common questions and issues that come up when thinking about making the transition. 

Will My Therapist Agree to Online Sessions?

Some therapists (myself included) are enthusiastic about using teletherapy, some won't use it at all, and a large number of therapists approach it with some reservations. I've been surprised how many therapists are now moving to it with the COVID-19 outbreak and resulting social distancing. Most therapists generally seem to find that it's a very beneficial approach. 

Even among therapists I know who were skeptical about online sessions in the past, the majority have opened to the idea. They seem to recognize it as a good option to avoid an untimely break in the therapy relationship, and to provide continuity of care. 

Will It Be Weird? 

If you're generally comfortable with communicating through a screen (e.g., Skype, FaceTime), you'll probably be comfortable moving to online therapy. If you can't stand this form of communication, you'll likely have a harder time with it. Of the dozens of clients I've treated through teletherapy, most seem to find the transition to be smoother than they expected. Therapy tends to be intense, and quickly enough you're likely to forget about the medium and focus on the work. 

That said, expect some differences with teletherapy. It's different when you're not in the same room with someone, and you're experiencing them in two spatial dimensions instead of three. It can also be harder to pick up on body language through a video. And while most of my clients seemed to be comfortable with making the switch, a few were not, or found the transition to be quite challenging. Occasional tech issues come up (like a delay in the audio and video), but typically can be handled with a little patience and humor.  

Is It Effective? 

Research suggests that therapy by video conference can be very effective, which has also been my clinical experience. It depends on you and your therapist, of course, but in general you should expect it to be helpful if you were finding in-person therapy helpful. 

Personally, some of the most powerful clinical experiences I've witnessed have occurred through teletherapy. In my own practice, I've seen it work for people dealing with things like depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, insomnia, relationship issues, grief, and trauma. 

Will Insurance Reimburse Me? 

A growing number of insurance providers seem to be willing to cover online therapy sessions. They'll probably require the standard things for reimbursement: your identifying information, the provider's license and so forth, a diagnostic code, and a session (CPT) code. Check with your insurance provider before starting your sessions if you'll depend on reimbursement to cover the sessions.  

How Does It Work?

You and your therapist will agree on a platform to use (or in some cases may decide to forego video and simply speak by phone). Some rely on Skype or FaceTime, although those options are not HIPAA compliant. More secure platforms include VSee, Zoom, and Doxy, among others. There may be a fee for your therapist to use the technology depending on the service, but it should be free for you (aside from your therapist's session fee, of course).  

How Should I Prepare for My Sessions?

Some important and finer points about the logistics of teletherapy:

• Do a test of the software beforehand for your own peace of mind and to be sure it will work, and verify that you have your therapist's contact information (e.g., VSee username).

• Find a place in your home where you'll have as much privacy as possible. This could be a challenge if kids are out of school or other family members are always home (or work from home).

• Along those lines, I recommend ear buds for privacy and also better sound quality. That way your therapist's voice won't feed back into your microphone and out their speakers.

• Make sure you're sitting somewhere you'll be comfortable for the length of your session.

• Have your screen on a stable surface, since excessive movement can create a feeling of seasickness for your therapist. If they're new to teletherapy and their screen is bouncing around, ask them to do the same.

• A finer point: try to have the top of your head near the top of your video screen, rather than in the bottom half of the screen. That way when they're looking at your face they'll be looking more or less into their camera (assuming it's at the top of their computer), so it will feel like they're looking at you.  

• Be sure to close email and turn off notifications that could be distracting and dilute the experience for you. You'll want to have your full attention focused on your session.

• Also close programs that could slow down your computer's processing ability and interfere with the quality of the video. 

• You may also need to work out payment arrangements with your therapist if you generally pay in person. Some therapists will keep a credit card on file for you; others will ask that you mail a check. Find out what they prefer. 

Are There Other Advantages to Online Therapy?

One plus of online therapy you'll notice right away is that there's no travel time involved, so your sessions will probably take up much less of your day. With that in mind, you may want to build in some transition time into and out of therapy, since travel time often provides a buffer before and after your session. It might be challenging, for example, to return directly to childcare after an emotional session. Even a 10-minute break to process and digest the session can make a big difference. 

You'll also never have to cancel for weather (assuming you have electricity and Internet), and there are no concerns about whether you could pass along a sickness to your therapist (or vice versa) if you're well enough to meet but possibly contagious. It's also possible to see your therapist when you're traveling, just as I've been able to see clients when I've been on the road. 

What If My Therapist Won't Do Online Sessions? 

If your current therapist isn't open to doing teletherapy, you might consider speaking with a new therapist who does offer online sessions. Obviously it's not ideal to have to start over with someone new, especially if you've been seeing your therapist for a while. But it may be your only option if you're committed to continuing therapy with as little interruption as possible.

If you don't want to start with a new person, consider other resources during the hiatus from seeing your therapist (and work with them on the plan, if possible). For example, there may be books, brief online courses, or other resources that will help you to continue the work. Your therapist might be open to having brief phone check-ins during this time. 

Seek out additional support from loved ones, as well, and be sure to take care of your basic needs like sleep, nutrition, and movement to keep your body and mind healthy. You might find journaling to be helpful during this time, as it's been shown to be an effective way to process thoughts and emotions.

Keep in mind that there could be unexpected benefits to taking a therapy vacation. While it may not be ideal, an unplanned break from therapy can lead to surprising growth, as the work you've done settles in and takes hold.  

The Bottom Line

If you're considering teletherapy, talk it over with your therapist and see if it's worth giving a try. You don't have to know in advance if it's the right decision for you—you can always plan to do a limited number of sessions to see how it goes. If it works well, it could be a convenient and time-saving way to continue the important work of therapy.  

Find the fill article here.

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If you're looking for a therapist who provides online sessions, I invite you to contact me to schedule your free phone consultation today! Contact Me Here

Words of Affirmation and How To Fluently Speak This Love Language

It’s often said that actions speak louder than words, but for people whose love language is words of affirmation, it’s actually words themselves that speak volumes.

Never heard of love languages? Introduced by Gary Chapman’s best-selling 2015 book, love languages are ways of communicating based on methods to speak and understand love. There are five different types: quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch, and the aforementioned words of affirmation. (Which is apparently the most common, according to Chapman.) Knowing your partner’s love language is important because it clues you in as to the best way to show them how much you care. You may think your partner wants to feel showered with thoughtful presents (receiving gifts) when really they would so much more appreciate you cleaning the kitchen for them (acts of service).

People whose love language is words of affirmation like their partner to use words to express their love. But if you don’t consider yourself good with words, being in a relationship with someone whose love language is words of affirmation seem challenging. Here are some tips on how to fluently speak this love language.

How to do it

You don’t have to be “good with words” to speak the words of affirmation love language. It’s important to know that you don’t have to come up with something to say right on the spot. You can spend some time and think about it, and then write your partner a love letter.

However, just a simple “I love you,” (while nice) doesn’t always cut it. Generally people who are inclined towards words of affirmation are looking for specific and personalized messages. They want to hear why you love them and how you love them. For example, what actions or personality traits do you appreciate about them? Thinking about that could help you make what you say more meaningful and impactful to both of you.

If you take time to craft a love letter and it’s still challenging to put your feelings into words, borrow from time-tested love stories over time. You can quote a passage from a poem or story. Or, you can gift your partner a book and underline passages that speak to your relationship.

Surprising your partner with notes is another way to express words of affirmation. If they’re going on a business trip, you can leave little notes in their suitcase. Or, you can put one in their lunch bag!

How to accept words of affirmation

Someone whose love language is words of affirmation likely also likes to show their love this way, so it’s important to be able to accept words of affirmation, too. If you’re someone who can’t take a compliment, this can be challenging. If accepting words of affirmation is challenging for you, it’s good to express this to your partner. Tell them. ‘I’m not used to accepting words of love, but I’m working on it.'

When your partner starts voicing all the things he or she loves about you, if you don’t know what to say, a simple thank you works just fine.

Just like with other languages, it can take work to become fluent in a love language, but it absolutely can be done. It’s also good to be fluent in more than one language, so it’s great to practice the other love languages as well.

The important part is that you and your partner are expressing your love to one another. And that’s something that’s appreciated no matter what language you speak.

Read the full article at Well + Good.

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If you live in the Los Angeles or Westlake Village area and are interested in therapy, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Check out my services to see which one might fit your needs. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment here!