Dear Diary...
Writing down your feelings is a powerful tool for relationships because by doing it, you get to know the number-one most important person in your life: yourself. The quality of any romantic relationship is going to be directly correlated to your own self-worth. You are the person you really need to get to know, and journaling is a great ally in that process.
Writing can help you tune in to your inner voice and appreciate who you are—in other words, your journal shouldn’t just be a dumping ground for frustrations about your partner. (Although that can definitely be helpful in some situations, like if you need to have a talk with them and want to organize your thoughts.) Rather, you can also look at it as a place to dig deep into who you are and what you want.
Here are a few journal prompts that can help take a person’s relationships to the next level, whether single or attached.
Journal Prompts for Single People
The perfect day visualization: A big roadblock people come up against when dating is that they don’t really know what they want. And if you’re not clear on your endgame, you risk wasting time and energy on people who ultimately aren’t going to be the best fit for you.
To find that clarity, try this two-part journaling exercise. First, take a little time to dream about what [your ideal] partnership looks like and feels like. These prompts can help get you started, but feel free to be creative here:
Journal out a whole day spent with this person. What does it feel like when you wake up together? Where do you go? What do you do? Really dig in and get specific.
Keep coming back to how it feels physically and emotionally. Are you energized? Does it give you a sense of safety? Are you having fun?
Next, use the intel gleaned from your perfect-day visualization to make a list of qualities you want to prioritize in a partner. What are the nonnegotiables for you?
The post-date debrief: One of the ickier aspects of dating-app culture is that it can make a person feel like they’re on a job interview, and it’s easy to put too much focus on the performance aspect. We’ve all fallen down the rabbit hole of self-doubt. But this is the absolute wrong approach. We’re often so preoccupied with being chosen that it’s easy to forget that you are picking your partner, as well.
You can use your journal to flip the script. Don’t just get caught up in the ‘shiny object’ aspects of their persona or appearance, ask yourself about the qualities they exhibited and if those are in alignment with what’s most important to you. Here are some things she suggests you journal about after a date:
How did your evening make you feel?
What did you enjoy about spending time with this person (or not)?
Did they make you feel good or kick up insecurities?
It’s not about judging your date. It’s about being connected with yourself through the dating process and assessing whether you two humans are a good fit for one another. You might be surprised to realize that person you were hoping to impress isn’t actually that impressive themselves!
Journal Prompts if You’re in a Relationship
The stress-buster: Stress is a major relationship buzzkill—if you’re obsessing over your to-do list or a conflict with someone at work, it’s hard to be present with your partner. Compounding this is the fact that self-care can often take a backseat when you’re coupled up. It erodes the foundation of the relationship long-term, because you both need to be taking care of yourselves in order to have the energy and clarity to take care of each other.
Here’s how you can use your journal to calm your mind and clear mental space for your S.O.
At night in bed, jot down a list of everything you want to get out of your head. This might help you sleep better—and wake up knowing exactly what priorities you need to tackle the next day. (That way, you’re not thinking about them during quality time with your bedmate.)
In the morning, do a free-write for at least four minutes and see what comes up on the page. Think of it like a juice cleanse for your brain.
The self-love party: Let’s be honest: One of the perks of being in a relationship is having someone constantly tell you how great they think you are. But if you’re solely looking to your partner to validate you, you’re likely heading down a sketchy path. We aren’t going to get all our needs met by a significant other. That’s unreasonable and unrealistic.
If you find that your moods peak and dip based on the amount of attention you’re getting from your plus-one, try giving yourself the gratuitous praise you’re seeking. Make a list of the things that you appreciate about yourself, and not a short list! Go for at least 50: traits, body parts, habits, you name it. Like how you set the dining room table? Include it. Think you have lovely feet, claim it. Love how you are a good friend to x person? Celebrate it. It’ll take the pressure off your partner to be the president of your fan club—but, more importantly, it can help you fall a little deeper in love with you.
Read the full article on Well+Good.
If you live in the Los Angeles or Westlake Village area and are interested in therapy, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Check out my services to see which one might fit your needs. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment here!
Finding A Therapist Shouldn't Be Hard - Start Here:
How to find a therapist: check out a few different websites designed to showcase the therapists in your area:
Google “Therapist in (city)”
Ask a friend
Call your insurance company
What to look for in a therapist
State license and a minimum of a Master’s Degree
Specialization or training in your specific concern
Personality that makes you feel comfortable
Contacting a therapist
Send an email or call
Here are some great questions to ask during your first contact:
Have you worked with someone like me before?
How would you start helping me with this issue?
Do you take insurance or what are your fees?
How often do you expect clients to see you and for how long?
Is there anything I should know about your style of therapy?
What times is your office open?
Preparing for the first appointment
Ask the clinician if there is any paperwork to complete before the first session and how to find the office.
Confirm what payment is accepted or confirm your mental health benefits with your insurance company.
Arrive on time. No need to bring anything or make any plans for the session.
Scheduling a second appointment
If you feel comfortable, go ahead and schedule that next appointment! How you feel with the therapist is the most important component of therapy.
Getting help doesn’t have to be scary. If you have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me!
If you live in the Los Angeles/Westlake Village area and are interested in therapy, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment now!
Helping Children Cope with Natural Disasters
The Woolsey Fire in Los Angeles and Ventura County and the Camp Fire in Northern California ravaged California this past week. There have been 59 victims across all fires so far, many people still unaccounted for, and over 280,000 acres have burned combined and still counting, Over 150,000 people were forced to evacuate from their homes in Thousand Oaks, Malibu, Oak Park, Westlake Village, Simi Valley, Calabasas and more.
You can learn more about the impacts of natural disasters and strategies to help you cope with natural disasters on my other post, Recovering After A Natural Disaster.
Children require a little extra support during this time.
Give your children extra attention and reassurance. Let them know they are not responsible for what has happened.
Acknowledge your own feelings about the situation and let your children know it’s ok to share their own feelings.
Include your children in plans for the future.
Try to get back to a normal routine as quickly as possible. This provides a sense of security.
If you don’t see an improvement in 4 weeks, or you’re concerned seek professional help (earlier if needed).
If you were affected by the fires in the Los Angeles/Westlake Village area and are in need of extra support and a safe space to process the recent natural disasters, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment now!
Recovering from a Natural Disaster
The Woolsey Fire, The Hill Fire, and The Griffith Park Fire all hit Los Angeles and Ventura County at once. Over 150,000 people were forced to evacuate from their homes in Thousand Oaks, Malibu, Oak Park, Westlake Village, Simi Valley, Calabasas and more.
Natural disasters like brushfires, floods, hurricanes and other traumatic ‘natural’ events are extremely challenging for the people directly affected. The stress caused following a natural disaster can lead to ‘burnout’ and physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. Some people will be able to manage the stress but for others it may be difficult to cope. Most people eventually heal and recover and go on to rebuild their lives.
Impacts of Natural Disasters
Feeling stressed, anxious, exhausted or confused
Feeling sad, overwhelmed or angry
Shock, feeling ‘numb’
Uncertainty about the future
Feeling lonely, isolated or withdrawn
Feeling unwell – headaches, difficulty sleeping, eating, weight loss/gain
Resentment or blaming others
Increased substance use
Thoughts of suicide or self-harm
Strategies to Help you Cope with a Natural Disaster
Recovery takes time. It is important to allow yourself time to process your circumstances and regain a sense of normalcy. There are things you can do to heal and rebuild.
Recognize when it’s getting too much - watch out for signs of stress and get extra support when things become overwhelming. Allow yourself extra time to get things done.
Talk - release your emotions and tension by talking to someone you trust or a therapist. This can help put things into perspective. It’s likely others in your community are experiencing similar feelings so this gives everyone an opportunity to release negative feelings and discuss practical ways to deal with the situation.
Develop an action plan - decide who’s going to do what and when. Summarize your financial situation and discuss your options with your bank to alleviate stress of any financial concerns. Having a plan will help you feel you are making progress.
Take care of yourself - eat well, exercise and sleep. Try to get back to your normal routine when you feel ready. Wherever possible, schedule extra time for things you enjoy or that you find relaxing.
Get help - lean on family and friends. Strong support networks can provide emotional or practical support. Explain your needs and tell them exactly how they can help. Make a list of places to go to for help e.g. financial assistance, emotional support, your GP a helpline Like Lifeline.
Consider professional help - If you don’t feel some return to normal after four weeks, seek professional help (earlier if needed).
If you were affected by the fires in the Los Angeles/Westlake Village area and are in need of extra support and a safe space to process the recent natural disasters, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment now!
Unpacking Emotional Baggage
When dealing with emotional baggage, you are constantly struggling under the weight of baggage, bad filters, and triggers. In any situation, nothing that is said is evaluated objectively. Everything is going through a filter that distorts the original message. It stops being about the content of the message, and instead becomes about our perceptions of the sender, and more importantly, about us. We have let ourselves get to the point where we're not really hearing anymore, we're just judging. If you've reached this point with someone, it's time to unpack your baggage.
Here are a few things that contribute to the problem and understanding them is important tp changing the situation:
Your brain processes most information using primitive filters looking only for the most basic information about threats that should be attended to.
Attention errors make it likely that you'll pay more attention and give weight to information that confirms your original point of view.
You don’t get to hear the intent of people’s messages; you only to get hear how their words come out and to feel how the message impacts you. The disconnect between intent and impact is at the heart of many strained relationships.
Start with a Positive Assumption
The next time you react to something someone else says, turn the situation on its head. Start with a positive assumption, rather than a negative one. Instead of assuming that a person is attacking you, start by assuming they are adding value.
Instead of having your normal reaction to what is said, really think about it. Repeat what they said in your head before responding. Think about the words, without reading between the lines or thinking about the back story. Hear the words coming out of someone else’s mouth—how do you interpret them now?
Pay attention to the positive, rather than the negative components of the message. Did the person start with a compliment and then share some constructive feedback? Focus on the compliment for a moment. Let it soak in.
Think about the possible positive intentions they might have had. How might the person have been trying to help? What were they trying to get at? What value are their comments adding?
If you start with a negative assumption, you waste all the value that others could be providing. A positive assumption is the only thing that gives you a chance.
If you live in the Los Angeles/Westlake Village area and are interested in understanding your emotional baggage and unpacking them, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment now!