Dear Diary...
Writing down your feelings is a powerful tool for relationships because by doing it, you get to know the number-one most important person in your life: yourself. The quality of any romantic relationship is going to be directly correlated to your own self-worth. You are the person you really need to get to know, and journaling is a great ally in that process.
Writing can help you tune in to your inner voice and appreciate who you are—in other words, your journal shouldn’t just be a dumping ground for frustrations about your partner. (Although that can definitely be helpful in some situations, like if you need to have a talk with them and want to organize your thoughts.) Rather, you can also look at it as a place to dig deep into who you are and what you want.
Here are a few journal prompts that can help take a person’s relationships to the next level, whether single or attached.
Journal Prompts for Single People
The perfect day visualization: A big roadblock people come up against when dating is that they don’t really know what they want. And if you’re not clear on your endgame, you risk wasting time and energy on people who ultimately aren’t going to be the best fit for you.
To find that clarity, try this two-part journaling exercise. First, take a little time to dream about what [your ideal] partnership looks like and feels like. These prompts can help get you started, but feel free to be creative here:
Journal out a whole day spent with this person. What does it feel like when you wake up together? Where do you go? What do you do? Really dig in and get specific.
Keep coming back to how it feels physically and emotionally. Are you energized? Does it give you a sense of safety? Are you having fun?
Next, use the intel gleaned from your perfect-day visualization to make a list of qualities you want to prioritize in a partner. What are the nonnegotiables for you?
The post-date debrief: One of the ickier aspects of dating-app culture is that it can make a person feel like they’re on a job interview, and it’s easy to put too much focus on the performance aspect. We’ve all fallen down the rabbit hole of self-doubt. But this is the absolute wrong approach. We’re often so preoccupied with being chosen that it’s easy to forget that you are picking your partner, as well.
You can use your journal to flip the script. Don’t just get caught up in the ‘shiny object’ aspects of their persona or appearance, ask yourself about the qualities they exhibited and if those are in alignment with what’s most important to you. Here are some things she suggests you journal about after a date:
How did your evening make you feel?
What did you enjoy about spending time with this person (or not)?
Did they make you feel good or kick up insecurities?
It’s not about judging your date. It’s about being connected with yourself through the dating process and assessing whether you two humans are a good fit for one another. You might be surprised to realize that person you were hoping to impress isn’t actually that impressive themselves!
Journal Prompts if You’re in a Relationship
The stress-buster: Stress is a major relationship buzzkill—if you’re obsessing over your to-do list or a conflict with someone at work, it’s hard to be present with your partner. Compounding this is the fact that self-care can often take a backseat when you’re coupled up. It erodes the foundation of the relationship long-term, because you both need to be taking care of yourselves in order to have the energy and clarity to take care of each other.
Here’s how you can use your journal to calm your mind and clear mental space for your S.O.
At night in bed, jot down a list of everything you want to get out of your head. This might help you sleep better—and wake up knowing exactly what priorities you need to tackle the next day. (That way, you’re not thinking about them during quality time with your bedmate.)
In the morning, do a free-write for at least four minutes and see what comes up on the page. Think of it like a juice cleanse for your brain.
The self-love party: Let’s be honest: One of the perks of being in a relationship is having someone constantly tell you how great they think you are. But if you’re solely looking to your partner to validate you, you’re likely heading down a sketchy path. We aren’t going to get all our needs met by a significant other. That’s unreasonable and unrealistic.
If you find that your moods peak and dip based on the amount of attention you’re getting from your plus-one, try giving yourself the gratuitous praise you’re seeking. Make a list of the things that you appreciate about yourself, and not a short list! Go for at least 50: traits, body parts, habits, you name it. Like how you set the dining room table? Include it. Think you have lovely feet, claim it. Love how you are a good friend to x person? Celebrate it. It’ll take the pressure off your partner to be the president of your fan club—but, more importantly, it can help you fall a little deeper in love with you.
Read the full article on Well+Good.
If you live in the Los Angeles or Westlake Village area and are interested in therapy, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Check out my services to see which one might fit your needs. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment here!
Growth Mindset
Our minds have such an ability to influence our lives. It's amazing how powerful our minds and our thoughts can be; how we look at the world shapes our own world.
"Growth mindset" (a term coined by Carol Dweck of Stanford University) is marked by a self-belief that your intelligence is malleable and never set in stone. As Ellen DeGeneres once said, "It's failure that gives you the proper perspective on success. When you take risks, you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail. Both are equally important." Researchers have found that children who are encouraged to view failure as an opportunity for growth faired much better than children who had parents who reinforced the notion that failure is always 'bad.'
People with a growth mindset believe that intelligence is malleable, expandable, and never fixed. They also believe that you can learn and grow from mistakes or setbacks.
Failure and success are two sides of the same coin. Previous research has found that growth mindset also boosts resilience, positive emotions, and someone's ability to bounce back quickly from the agony of defeat. With practice, a growth mindset helps you let go of failure's disappointment and move on to new challenges.
On the flip side, those with a "fixed mindset"—who believe that their intelligence and abilities are less fluid—tend to beat themselves up and get stuck by dwelling on failures. A fixed mindset is also linked to a lack of self-compassion, in which failure can create a demotivating downward spiral of hopelessness and low self-esteem.
This is especially important for parents of younger children when teaching kids how to respond to setbacks in ways that are encouraging rather than discouraging. Nourishing a growth mindset can give youngsters a set of coping skills that could last a lifetime. I encourage teachers and parents to help children learn to pay more attention to their mistakes in a way that opens up growth mindset opportunities. Glossing over mistakes or shying away from a constructive dialogue about the importance of short-term failure as a pathway to long-term success can undermine someone's potential growth.
If you live in the Los Angeles/Westlake Village area and are interested in therapy, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment here!
This article is for informational purposes only, even if and to the extent that it features the advice of physicians and medical practitioners. This article is not, nor is it intended to be, a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment and should never be relied upon for specific medical advice. Full article on Psychology Today.
This New Year, Get Back to Basics and Create Your Own Definition of Self Care
When your wellness routine—AKA the rituals and habits you embraced to make your life better—is stressing you out, things need to change. And for so many people this year, the line between constructive self-care and pure anxiety trigger (as in, just another thing on your already-jammed to-do list) became blurrier than ever before. In 2019, it’s time to simplify, simplify, simplify. And get that wellness-loving mojo back.
In the age of social media, the pressure people feel to engage in performative wellness creates anxiety, self-doubt, and depression. The industry boom—and the staggering number of new fitness, food, and lifestyle options to choose from—is partly to blame. New data shows that since 2015, the global wellness industry has grown 12.8 percent, from $3.7 trillion to $4.2 trillion. That increase is reflected in myriad new and expanded companies, products, and trends—which means more decisions to make. And when people have more choices than they’ve ever had in history, and whenever you have a lot of choice, it can be overwhelming.
So, make 2019 the year when you get real about what’s doable on a daily basis. The indications are there already— “staying in is the new going out” has been a trend for a while, and bonding over the desire for a simpler life has become a national pastime.
Basically, this new wave of self-care involves reclaiming your time. While opting out of all social media likely isn’t going to happen for most of us in 2019, a back-to-basics wellness revamp is a chance to get back to what made you fall in love with self-care to begin with.
If you live in the Los Angeles/Westlake Village area and are interested in therapy, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment now!
Unpacking Emotional Baggage
When dealing with emotional baggage, you are constantly struggling under the weight of baggage, bad filters, and triggers. In any situation, nothing that is said is evaluated objectively. Everything is going through a filter that distorts the original message. It stops being about the content of the message, and instead becomes about our perceptions of the sender, and more importantly, about us. We have let ourselves get to the point where we're not really hearing anymore, we're just judging. If you've reached this point with someone, it's time to unpack your baggage.
Here are a few things that contribute to the problem and understanding them is important tp changing the situation:
Your brain processes most information using primitive filters looking only for the most basic information about threats that should be attended to.
Attention errors make it likely that you'll pay more attention and give weight to information that confirms your original point of view.
You don’t get to hear the intent of people’s messages; you only to get hear how their words come out and to feel how the message impacts you. The disconnect between intent and impact is at the heart of many strained relationships.
Start with a Positive Assumption
The next time you react to something someone else says, turn the situation on its head. Start with a positive assumption, rather than a negative one. Instead of assuming that a person is attacking you, start by assuming they are adding value.
Instead of having your normal reaction to what is said, really think about it. Repeat what they said in your head before responding. Think about the words, without reading between the lines or thinking about the back story. Hear the words coming out of someone else’s mouth—how do you interpret them now?
Pay attention to the positive, rather than the negative components of the message. Did the person start with a compliment and then share some constructive feedback? Focus on the compliment for a moment. Let it soak in.
Think about the possible positive intentions they might have had. How might the person have been trying to help? What were they trying to get at? What value are their comments adding?
If you start with a negative assumption, you waste all the value that others could be providing. A positive assumption is the only thing that gives you a chance.
If you live in the Los Angeles/Westlake Village area and are interested in understanding your emotional baggage and unpacking them, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment now!
Made The Brave Decision To Go To Therapy...Now What?
I’ve made the brave decision to go to therapy…now what?
We’ve all been there - feeling overwhelmed, confused, thinking we could benefit from seeing a therapist. But only some of us make it through the door and get the help we need. Why is that? Looking for a therapist can be a grueling process.
Searching for a therapist can feel extremely impersonal, leading you from profile to profile on the web only to find yourself lost. The whole process can feel like a massive load - that’s why breaking it down into smaller manageable parts can be a great way to maximize your search. Here are a few tips to consider:
Check in with yourself. I always ask my new clients what they’re looking for out of therapy - what are your goals? What do you want to work on? Is there a specific type of therapy you want to try: individuals, couples, family, etc.? Are there certain qualities you want your therapist to have?
Pro Tip: I suggest taking time to imagine the kind of therapist you want to work with. Write down the traits that feel important to you, and traits that are deal breakers. Ideally what you are looking for is finding a therapist that puts you at ease.
Consider your therapy budget: Therapy is expensive. While I believe it is one of the best investments we can make in our self, there are real financial barriers that can make it hard to do so. Depending on the community you live in, therapy can range from $80-$200 per session.
One option is to consider using your insurance for therapy; it is important to first find out what type of reimbursement, if any, your insurance company offers. If it is a requirement to see someone “in network,” ask for a list of providers and begin looking them up online. Some insurance companies will provide reimbursement for therapy that is '‘out of network'‘ and your therapist can provide you with a “superbill” each month to submit to your insurance.
Pro Tip: Look at your overall spending and see where you can make adjustments. Saving could be as simple as bringing lunches to work and making coffee at home. It is a choice, like everything else, and you must weigh the financial commitment you are willing to make.
Ask people you trust for recommendations: Asking people you trust for recommendations is a great place to start. This could be a friend, family member, colleague or other health professional.
Pro Tip: If you have a friend or family member who is a therapist, they would also be a good person to ask as well. Therapists tend to have reputable colleagues who they can refer you too.
Use the web: The Internet is a great resource for reading about and finding local therapists. Psychology Today and Good Therapy have a comprehensive listing of therapists and allows you to search based on several different factors. All therapists listed in those databases must prove that they have an advanced degree and an up-to-date professional license. You can read profiles or click through to individual therapist websites. Yelp is another great way to search for local therapists.
Interview therapists: Once you narrowed down your list of potentials, it’s time to start making calls. I offer all new clients a free 20 minute consultation to see if we might be a good fit to work together. Pay attention to how you feel on the phone. Do you feel comfortable talking with him or her? Do they sound clear and confident while answering your questions? Is their style of communication relatable? If yes, go ahead and book an intake session at the end of your phone call. Feel free to do this with more than one therapist if you like the idea of “shopping around.”
Pro Tip: Have a few questions prepared before calling, such as:
How would you describe your style of therapy?
What do you charge per session?
What insurance plans do you take?
Do you provide a sliding pay scale?
How often will we meet?
How does therapy work?
Found the right person…now what? Your first session with your therapist will cover a lot of material. You will be asked to share what brought you into therapy, parts of your personal and family history, and the current symptoms you are experiencing. Your therapist will ask you personal questions and, depending on your relationship to vulnerability, this may feel challenging. This is normal and to be expected. Your therapist should never rush your process. Your pace and comfort level must be respected.
“A person’s relationship with their therapist frequently mirrors their relationships outside the therapy office. We often unconsciously recreate dynamics from other relationships with our therapist giving us the opportunity to process negative feelings and work through maladaptive patterns in a safe space. A good therapeutic relationship can be a corrective experience: We are accepted for who we are, encouraged to look inward and connect with our true natures, and supported in growing into our real selves.”
If you live in the Westlake Village Area and are interested in individual or couples therapy I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com
major credit to The Every Girl for the guideline to this very important post!